A sort of “Codec Festum Heterosexualis” if you will.
Straight Sex Party Etiquette
There has definitely been an increase in the number of straight sex parties happening in cities – maybe it isn’t an actual increase as opposed to an increase in publicity – but they have definitely gained more visibility. If you are invited to one, then there are basic rules that you need to consider before attending. If you think that they are all fairly common sense, then you’re probably ready to attend one. If you aren’t so sure, then maybe you should wait a little bit before saying ‘yes’.
1. Read the Invitation/Rules
If it is a private sex party, then there will be some kind of invitation, whether formal or informal. These invitations often include details about the sex party itself. You obviously need to know the time and location but you also need to find out what kind of party it is – is it swingers? Vanilla? Couples only? BDSM? You need to make sure you are comfortable with the type of party and be prepared for what is in store. If you are headed to a sex club for a party, then the website will often have a list of rules.
2. Follow the Rules
If you don’t agree with the rules, then don’t go. It is as simple as that. Don’t show up and try to bend the rules or be the ‘exception’. They have been established for a reason and they need to be respected. Often you will be removed from the party if any of them are broken, so why would you want to ruin your night as well as other people’s nights.
3. Hygiene!
Before actually attending a sex party, you need to make sure that you are presentable and physically clean. This doesn’t mean you have to get rid of all your body hair – you can do whatever you are comfortable with. It does, however, mean that you should shower and brush your teeth beforehand. Pretty standard, but don’t show up straight after a long day at the office. Make sure you’re prepared to get up close and naked with potential strangers.
4. Condoms, Lube and Personal Toys
Don’t assume that the host will have the items that you need and enjoy. There will probably be a backup pack of condoms and some tubes of lube, but they probably won’t be the kind you like. Make sure to bring your own so that the night can be safe and enjoyable.
5. Consider Your Boundaries
Be honest with yourself and decide beforehand what you are comfortable doing. This is true for attending a sex party with a partner. You need to spend a lot of time discussing boundaries together. Do you only play together? Do you need each other’s permission? Is it a free-for-all? Even if you are attending alone, you need to think about what you are willing to participate in. It is best to have these conversations before showing up to the party.
6. Consent, consent, consent!
Just because it is a sex party does NOT mean that everyone is open to everything with every person. You need to absolutely give and receive enthusiastic consent with every person you engage with, as well as establish consent for every new act. You then need to 100% respect a ‘no’ if you receive a ‘no’. If you aren’t clear on what constitutes consent, you need to research it beforehand.
7. Practice Saying No
On the other side of consent – you need to give your consent as well. It is totally okay if you do not want to consent to something. Just because you are at a sex party does not mean that you have to participate in anything. You could spend the whole night being a voyeur if you prefer. People should be asking for your consent, and if they are not, there should be a system in place for reporting them to the host. Don’t be afraid to say no. Practice a little speech beforehand so you feel more comfortable.
8. Safe Sex
You did the first step of bringing the condoms and lube, so make sure you actually use them if a certain act calls for them. As well, you need to discuss your STI status if there are any concerns. Every act has some risk, so you need to be clear about what risks there might be. It might be an awkward topic to bring up, but a sex party is probably one of the least awkward moments to declare your status.
9. Stay Mostly Sober
Alcohol will probably be available. Alcohol can also make us do things we regret. This can go two ways – you can do something stupid to harm someone else, or you can say ‘yes’ to something that you soberly would have said ‘no’ to. Having a drink to calm your nerves is normal, but don’t get drunk. Make sure your judgment isn’t impaired for the party.
10. Check-In
Check in with yourself, your partner or your friend. You can take breaks from interacting with people. The first party can be pretty intense and there is nothing wrong with taking a moment. If you aren’t enjoying it or if you’ve had enough, then there is no one stopping you from leaving. It doesn’t matter if you paid to attend, your health and self-care is much more important. If your partner is not comfortable, then you can make the decision together to leave.
Bonus:
Respect continues after the sex party has ended. Often these parties are private and it can ruin people’s reputations and jobs to be ‘outed’. Respect others and do not share the names of attendees. There are tons of things to consider when going to a sex party, so make sure to do your research before attending. You’ll be more prepared and feel much more relaxed. Enjoy!
