Remarkable Sexual Preferences.
Masturbatory pleasure can be enhanced by a wide gamma of tweaks, insights and contextual circumstances. What it is that turns you on is often deeply rooted in your sexual preferences, kinks, and fetishes. Your preferences function as a point of departure for your sexual adventures.
If you do not like getting dirty, you are not likely to put on your best outfit and roll around, self-servicing, on top of a plastic tarp covered in strawberry pudding.
To some, this is peak autoeroticism, but that’s experienced on a personal level.
One might find it super normal to sexually express themselves in this fashion. But to others, this is the definition of batshit crazy.
What could be defined as weird?
Being a sex-positive person doesn’t mean that you refrain from passing judgment on the sexual behavior of others. It just means that when you are sure nothing illegal or unethical is happening, you can tolerate sexual “deviance”, in an other’s repertoire.
You understand that what arouses someone can come off as weird or insane to yourself. But as a sex-positive individual, you choose not to ever shame someone for their (legal and moral) sexual peeves.
Any remarkable sexual act that falls outside of your, unconscious, comfort zone can be classified as “weird”. If it evokes a negative emotion in you, it’s obvious that it’s not your cup of tea, and whatever you are witnessing, processing or digesting could be a perfect candidate to brand as being weird. But there are also things you might perceive as eye-opening, arousing, or provoking your curiosity. These might strike you as weird but once you have adapted to the idea it might even make your sexual bucket-list
Practice caution and don’t be an asshole
In 2018, you are seldom alone. CCTV, Cameras posing as birdhouses, passersby, drones. You are literally surrounded by surveilling eyes over half of your life. If you don’t want to end up on one of those creepy voyeur sex sites….. Practice caution.
Also, realize you can’t demand that people will be accepting of your kinks. It’s naïve to think that you can just run out in public, get your kicks and that no one would be opposed to it. Remember that it’s a sign of blatant disrespect to expose people to your sexual desires without their explicit consent.
And you might also meet people, who see your extravert behavior as a sign of consent on your part, for them to impose their sexual desires on you. So as with everything that has to do with sexual expression or lustful behavior, practice discretion.
If you love being exposed to the elements this is your shit right here.
All you need is a quiet corner behind a smokestack, airco unit or solar panel, so the people from the flat across the street can’t easily see your sun-deprived derriere when glancing of their balcony.
Feel the sun, wind, or rain on your skin and enjoy your “you time”
Feeling rather cheeky? Scout yourself a vacation home or abandoned villa and see if the pool is empty. Dive straight into the clutter at the bottom or put a tarp or some cardboard down first and commence to seduce yourself. A drained pool is a great street-level line of sight blocker. Though you might want to be mindful of any surroundings structures that allow for a vantage point into the pool.
Exposing your colleagues to your sexual cravings can get your ass fired faster than pepper can trigger a sneeze. Are you willing to risk it all? Income, reputation and your livelihood are on the line when you choose to masturbate at work. If all this turns you on, and chopping wood or scratching that itch in the face of danger is your poison of choice, at least find somewhere secluded and practice a modicum of hygiene. Choose a utility room or broom closet rather than a toilet. No one wants to take a dump with your precum or your natural lubricating juices all over the toilet seat.
Vagina owners who have a rock-solid poker face can attempt to use a vibrating or pulsating, remote controlled, insertable while sitting at their desk. But make sure you don’t soak your clothes an office chair.
Possessors of a penis can sheath their Johnson in a condom after they slide on a vibrating cock ring and take their seat again. Those of you with a vagina can resort to insertables again, and have a discreet but pleasurable flight. Because we all know having a quick fap in the bathroom is far too easy to be exciting. We don’t need to tell you that just cranking one out in your seat, even under the cloak and dagger cover of a blanket or pillow is just not done.
You will need an elaborate plan de campagne for this one. You will need a strategy that will allow for complete discretion in a surrounding you are most likely not familiar with. Will you be sat across a desk from your interviewer? Will you be sitting on a couch with this person? Are there fauteuils. What are your options for cover? Do you have an exit plan for when you’re caught?
We recommend you practice with jobs you don’t really care about before you start playing five-against-one in career-defining moments.
Retreat behind a tree or a headstone when no one is paying attention to you.
And celebrate life while you still can.
If you can’t climb if your life depended on it, don’t start with treetop fapping now.
Because going up might prove easy, but coming down is 50 times as fast. And not in a good way.
Climb some amateur level trees first to get a feel for balance and to build up your skill.
On your very first Tree Fap, you don’t want the fire department to hoist you down pantless when you lose the balls to climb down again. But once you have leveled up, conceal yourself behind branches and leaves, and reach an all-new high.
Fapping and fingering in the ocean can be super exciting. Will sharks eat you? Will a dolphin have its way with you? Will a seal steal your shorts or bikini bottom? Whatever it is about the ocean, it sure is scary as f00k. But the best thing is, you don’t need to clean up after yourself. After all, Blue Whales ejaculate up to 400 gallons (1500 liters) of sperm every time they orgasm. You are already floating in a giant pool of cum as it is.
Lean forward and grind your clit and labia against the saddle, through your pants/panties and choose a bumpy but safe route. Wiggle around to adjust yourself from time to time and you will do a stellar job at spoiling your self.
But with a penis it’s a different story, riding around with your dick in your hand will get you arrested faster than mistaking salt for sugar, can ruin coffee.
Get creative, wear wide clothes, cut secret holes in pockets, wear a Fleshlight Quickshot, cram your willy between your belt and your beer gutt, I don’t know. Get creative and be discreet!
Sneak into the trunk of a car, chauffeured by a driver that looks like they wouldn’t cut you up and feed you to their pet piranhas. Bring a blanket to wrap your self in. And enjoy the peak of autoeroticism. Try to sneak out of the car when possible. Also bring snacks, drinks, an oxygen tank, some diapers and a blow torch. You might get locked in there.
Can you do one better and think of even weirder places to masturbate?
Follow us on Twitter and let us know. We just might write a follow-up!
Anthony van Hamond
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