Let’s start off by saying that all sex toys can be used between couples. Whether it is marketed for solo pleasure or not, they can be used with one or more people. For example, a dildo with a flared base can be used vaginally, anally, orally and be controlled by yourself or someone else. Even a male-oriented masturbator can be used together – either with the other person controlling it, or used in unison with your partner playing with other parts of you.
With so many options, how do you choose a couple’s sex toy?
Despite being a great addition to the bedroom, not everyone is comfortable with using sex toys (and that is also okay). Although many might enjoy a bit of spontaneity from their partners, typically it is a good idea to discuss these things before purchasing. Make sure your partner is comfortable with the idea of using a toy. If not, then maybe explore the reasons, but you should never push for it. As much as toys are not a replacement for a person, some people might have the impression that they are or that it means they aren’t satisfying the needs of their partner. Make sure you present the idea in a gentle, positive way. Emphasize that you are sexually satisfied with the other person, but that you just want to experiment. The best way to start is with everyone being comfortable.
Once you’ve agreed to introduce sex toys into your relationship, then you need to decide what type of toy you are looking for. Do you want handcuffs to tie each other up? Do you want a clitoral vibrator to aid with orgasms? Do you want a toy designed specifically for intercourse? Do you want a toy to help someone last longer in bed? Do you want an interactive toy to experiment? There are so many options out there, so you do need to narrow it down. Something for vaginal use? Penile use? Anal use? Something that you both can use at the same time? It might seem overwhelming, but discussing this and being open about your desires will lead to better communication and a better experience with toys.
Once you have narrowed it down a bit, then you should shop together for one. You can start by browsing online and reading reviews of certain toys. Many online shops have lists of their “best couple’s sex toys”, which is a good place to start. See what styles, functions, and colors interest you. If your partner does not want a realistic toy, then you know to avoid these. Once you have a better idea of a toy, you can purchase it online or you can head to a local shop to see it for yourself. Often sex shops will have samples you can touch and turn on to see what they would really be like to use. Some toys are only available online, and you will have to base your purchase on dimensions and reviews. Don’t forget to purchase some lubricant because it can be a great addition (and necessary for anal play).
This one might seem obvious, but make sure to use it together! If you bought a toy that is specifically for couples, then you don’t really have many options. If you bought a toy that can be used alone or with a partner, then you might want to keep the first experiments when your partner is present. Discovering a toy together and what you like/don’t like is a great way to build trust and communication. You might discover a new pleasure point and your partner will get a total kick out of being there to watch your discovery. You can, of course, use it on your own, but there is something fun about sharing the first experiences.
Some toys are going to be magical while others might be a total flop. The important part is to make it a learning experience and discuss it with your partner. Maybe the vibes weren’t strong enough, or the angles didn’t quite match up or you felt uncomfortable using it. These are all important things to talk about so that your next toy purchase can be improved.
Most importantly, sex toys are meant to be fun! Start small and work your way upwards while you discover what you like and don’t like. It is okay to try out new things and decide it isn’t for you. Make sure the material is body safe, and everything is used consensually, and you’re bound to have a fun time!
In summary: communicate, pick something that interests both of you and have fun!
Rebecca Dane from A Couple of Kinks
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