Sex on the Holidays

Holidays are stressful, there’s no getting around it. What’s the best way to unwind? A good f***.

Often, though, there are “barriers to entry”, if you will. You have family over, and not a single bedroom is spare. You might have kids running around, watchful older relatives who disapprove, or maybe you’re juggling multiple partners (ethically, of course). Fear not! Holiday sex just takes a little bit of planning. And if you’ll be spending the holidays with your honey, we have a few cheeky suggestions on how to get down.

  • Scope it out. If you’re the one hosting the holiday, you already have a pretty good idea of where your safe zones are: Laundry room, master bathroom, walk-in closet. Any small room with a lock on the door is a perfectly legitimate option for your mid-party romp. If you’re not hosting, you’re going to have to do some recon.
  • Use a code. If you want to add an espionage level to your holiday boning, consider adopting a simple code. Something that, when spoken, doesn’t arise suspicion. Or something you can easily text with one hand. “I could really use a hand with the upstairs fairy lights,” for example.
  • Make it quick. If you’re hoping for a mid-festivity rendezvous, don’t jerk it in the shower beforehand. There is a time and a place for the fine art of the Kama Sutra, but between the first and second course isn’t it. Holiday sex needs to be efficient.
  • Dress for success. Don’t get too ambitious with your outfit. The less clothing you have to move or remove, the faster you’ll be dressed and back out the door with a subtle orgasmic glow about your cheeks.
  • Be safe, but leave no trace. Don’t forget the condom! Condoms are easy enough to stash in your pocket, so there’s no excuse. Just don’t forget to clean up after yourself. A pocket pack of tissues is cheap, innocuous, and one or two sheets is the perfect way to camouflage a discarded rubber.

  • Sneaky Giblets. This one’s simple to start you off, but you’ll need to be seated next to your partner at Christmas dinner. (Or, I guess you could just be adventurous, but always get consent first.) Simple reach across, undo their fly, and let the fun begin.

  • Down the Chimney. The location of this one doesn’t matter quite as much as the position. Preferably, one partner should be standing, while the other kneels or sits at their feet. All that’s left is to go down, like Santa through a chimney.

  • Reindeer Style. It’s like doggy-style, but you’re both drunk, preferably on Christmassy beverages. Bonus points are awarded if you do it outside in the snow.

  • Ho Ho Ho! Any configuration of a threesome. We make no judgments about how or where you do it, only that all three of you enjoy yourselves.

  • Chestnuts Roasting. Here’s a romantic option – sex, right in front of the fireplace. Any way you like it, this is sure to keep you warm and cozy.

  • Do You Want to Fuck a Snowman? It’s time to bundle up and get creative because, for this last one, you’re headed outside to face the elements. “The cold never bothered me anyway.”

  • Trim the Tree. Grab your balls and baubles and get creative! Decorate each other however you see fit. Washable magic markers, edible body paints, and maybe even a little tree garland are all perfectly fine options.

 

Enjoy the holidays, and may the odds be ever in your favor.