Finding Your Ohm(y God, yes!)
SEX AFTER PARENTHOOD
Becoming a parent is one of the great milestones in life. Granted it’s not for everyone, but for those who choose to have children, the impact on their lives can be monumental. Most of these changes are for the better and many parents will attest to the great joy that their children have brought into their lives. But there’s perhaps one apprehension that worries most parents-to-be: The question of Sex after Parenthood.
The image of the overworked, overly weary couple, desperately fighting against all odds to find some time together has become so iconic that it’s practically a media cliché by this point in time. The moment we see a husband and wife scrambling to be together under the sheets we instantly expect that they will be interrupted by a baby monitor or a knock at the door followed by tiny footsteps coming into the room.
But is finding the balance between sex and parenthood really such a struggle?
And, if so, what are the best ways to overcome this relationship hurdle? Read on to find out!
- MAKE A COMMITMENT TOGETHER
If one partner wants to resume sex but the other isn’t ready then this can cause a major relationship crisis depending on how it’s handled. Because of this, it’s important to have ‘the talk’ when it comes to sex and parenthood.
Check in with each other regularly and see how you’re feeling about sex, both physically and mentally. It could be that on any given night one or both of you are too tired for intercourse and that’s perfectly fine. These times should be approached with love and understanding.
However, if you’re both serious about resuming your sex life it is still important to set some clear intentions about how to go about this before trying your best to stick to them. Support each other in this endeavor, rather than applying pressure and remember you’re a team.
- LEARN TO LET GO OF THE PARENT MIND SET
One of the biggest obstacles to sex after starting a family is that one or both parents can find it very hard to separate from the ‘parent role’ in the household.
When you’re in the task and caregiving mindset of ‘mother’ or ‘father’ it can be a real struggle to switch off and see yourself as simply ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ again.
Regardless it’s important for new parents to learn when to switch off and not let their duties as a parent detract from their duties to themselves and their partner.
If you struggle with this then take time, first, to disconnect by finding moments to look after yourself. Eat properly. Find some time to rest where possible. Find a moment to engage in some physical activity or a mindfulness exercise.
- DON’T WAIT FOR THE PERFECT MOMENT
Most new parents will soon learn to juggle their idealized expectations of parenthood with the messy reality of being a parent. ‘Perfect is the enemy of good enough’ and parents often learn this first hand.
This translates over to sex too.
While it would be nice if every sexual encounter were as long or as well-planned as past experiences life as a parent may mean reshuffling your priorities in order to fit in those all-important moments of intimacy.
Take any viable opportunity you can to do something sexual with your partner. This may not always be a full sex session but a cheeky quickie can sometimes be just as thrilling. Be flexible with your schedule and seize the moment. Sometimes the spontaneity of it all can be a turn on itself.
- REMEMBER: IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ‘THE BIG FINISH’
Orgasms are great but they’re not always necessary. Neither is full penetrative sex, especially if you’re both feeling exhausted.
In these moments it’s better to do something together than nothing at all, especially if you are still aroused. In moments like these take a chance to explore each other’s bodies in new and different ways. Focus more on foreplay or exchanging passionate kisses. Make use of sex toys in order to enjoy some less physically strenuous forms of release.
Instead of thinking of sex as something with a set procedure and a clearly defined finish line explore where each moment can take you and enjoy the process. Redefine what sex can mean for you and you may soon find that you’ve expanded rather than narrowed your sex lives.
- MAKE INTIMACY YOUR PRIMARY GOAL
And, lastly, the ultimate goal of resuming and maintaining a solid sex life after becoming a parent: Making intimacy the core priority.
Deep down many couples struggle with sex after childbirth because they feel like they’re lost that core connection with each other as a couple. Women may feel insecure about their post-birth body, mean may feel rejected in the relationship dynamic or any manner of other issues. When you go to bed exhausted and your head is full of doubt and apprehension instead of mutual compassion then it can be very hard to be ‘in the mood’ for sex.
The best way to resolve this is to remember that your sexual desires stem from your desire to be intimate with each other and to make this known. Find the time to engage in non-sexual activities together—such as date nights, shared dinners, or simply going to bed in each other’s arms. Hug each other, complement each other, and make sure your partner feels loved.
If you can emotionally support each other not just as parents but also as lovers then sex will seem like a much more natural progression.
Resuming your sexual relationship may be a struggle but with the right mindset, you can work together to make the process much more stress-free and enjoyable for the both of you.
Having regular physical relations with your partner also decreases the chance of arguments or fights.
Remember why you started a family in the first place and the bonds that led you to this point in life and you’ll soon find yourselves finding that balance as a couple once more.
You still struggeling finding your sex drive as new parents? We understand that! We got some extra tips ready for you that help you find it again!
- BE SOMEBODY NOBODY THOUGHT YOU COULD BE: ROLEPLAY
This motivational quote can mean a lot of things. It speaks of your capabilities; your personal considerations and what you wish to show to the world.
A call to arms.
It’s also a great quote when it comes to sex and what you might wish to achieve or explore!
Have you ever tried literally being somebody that nobody thought you could be?
For pleasure, perhaps, but maybe also just to explore how it feels…
Sexual roleplay is a fantastic way of exploring and introducing new aspects of yourself to your partner (or others, if suitable).
Unconstrained by how you might usually act, sexual roleplay allows you to explore who you could be, how you might present yourself, or even what you’d like to briefly sample but never truly enact to its fullest.
This could be as simple as pretending to be a different individual meeting your partner on a first date or as intricate as adult “puppy play” or the classic pizza delivery fantasy.
The important thing is not to constrain yourself—to embrace the situation fully. Be somebody nobody thought you could be and you may even surprise yourself with the results.
- BE A VOICE, NOT AN ECHO
It’s important for any of us to find our voice.
Living a life that is too passive not only leads to personal unhappiness but the unhappiness of those around us too (after all, it’s not pleasant being around someone who holds a growing sadness and resentment over their lack of a voice).
Assertiveness is a skill that we could all benefit from learning with more diligence, and being able to speak up for our sexual desires is as important as anything else.
If you’re not in the right mindset for sex on any given day, let your partner know.
Explain your situation and make your stance clear. Trust me, it’s much better than a ‘No’ without explanation or a blatant lie.
- A RIVER CUTS THROUGH A ROCK NOT BECAUSE OF ITS POWER BUT BECAUSE OF ITS PERSISTENCE
This one has a bit more of a zen-ring to it but is equally important.
Although we may not like to think about it, each and every one of us will face some form of sexual difficulty in our lives.
This is just the inevitability of sex, relationships, and life in general.
What matters in these situations isn’t avoidance but, instead, the way in which we choose to meet our troubles and work to accept and overcome them.
In the case of sex, this usually involves a lot of difficult situations which have a very intimate and personal impact on us. Things like erectile dysfunction, vaginismus, premature ejaculation, vulvodynia, sexual rejection, performance anxiety, STI’s and so many other physical and mental obstacles.
These aren’t things we can just cut through and attempting to do so will only lead to further frustration and reinforced unhappiness.
Instead, when you find yourself confronted with a sexual issue consider giving it the attention, time, and (most importantly) patience it deserves.
Be forgiving with yourself (and/or your partner), accept that recovery isn’t a linear progress and that there will be bumps along the way, practice compassion and do your research.
- NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES
Want to try sex toys? Start researching your options and click that buy button! Wish your partner would watch porn with you? Speak to them about it! Are you lusting over an expensive piece of sex tech? Put that first coin in the jar and start saving! Put practical plans in place.
Consider what is and isn’t important. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing as long as you’re doing something to achieve your goals. The moment you start is the moment things can begin, and this is applicable to every aspect of life.
Too often we don’t allow ourselves to explore the sexual desires we consider most values. We humor our fleeting moments of lust even less. Take the time to nurture both of these sexual aspects of yourself and see just what doing without restriction can change for you.
Obvious disclaimer: Don’t do anything illegal or without consent. Always start in the most sensible and practical manner possible and start small if needed. Kiiroo believes in you, and you should too!
And, finally, the most important one in our minds…
- LIFE BEGINS AT THE END OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE
This is a rather complicated phrase and may, in and of itself, exist beyond or right at the border of some people’s comfort zones.
But, of course, there is a benefit to sometimes pushing beyond what we consider to be our limits. If handled correctly (ie. on our own terms) it can provide a lot of personal growth and a sense of confidence and empowerment that is unmatched.
Whenever you decide to have that difficult conversation with your partner, you are embodying this quote. Whenever you throw yourself fully into a sexual roleplay, you’re doing the same. In fact, pretty much all of the above quotes can be embodied in this one.
However, there’s also another element to this quote—sometimes meeting your comfort zone is crucial to know how to convey it to others.
Let’s face it—all of us will have things that we are absolutely and fundamentally uncomfortable. This may be due to personal values, a particular upbringing, or perhaps some form of past trauma. Whatever the cause, these boundaries need to be known and conveyed to be respected.
Finding the very end of your comfort zone—understanding it, but not always feeling obligated to step over it—will allow you to better take care of your own sexual and mental wellbeing while also making you a more attentive, open, and compassionate lover.
Those are the tips that will help you to get your sex drive back! Otherwise we got some Kiiroo products to get you going.