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Holiday Sex How-To

December 12, 2014

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Sex on the Holidays

Holidays are stressful, there’s no getting around it. What’s the best way to unwind? A good f***.

Often, though, there are “barriers to entry”, if you will. You have family over, and not a single bedroom is spare. You might have kids running around, watchful older relatives who disapprove, or maybe you’re juggling multiple partners (ethically, of course). Fear not! Holiday sex just takes a little bit of planning.

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  • Scope it out. If you’re the one hosting the holiday, you already have a pretty good idea of where your safe zones are: Laundry room, master bathroom, walk-in closet. Any small room with a lock on the door is a perfectly legitimate option for your mid-party romp. If you’re not hosting, you’re going to have to do some recon.
  • Use a code. If you want to add an espionage level to your holiday boning, consider adopting a simple code. Something that, when spoken, doesn’t arise suspicion. Or something you can easily text with one hand. “I could really use a hand with the upstairs fairy lights,” for example.
  • Make it quick. If you’re hoping for a mid-festivity rendezvous, don’t jerk it in the shower beforehand. There is a time and a place for the fine art of the Kama Sutra, but between the first and second course isn’t it. Holiday sex needs to be efficient.
  • Dress for success. Don’t get too ambitious with your outfit. The less clothing you have to move or remove, the faster you’ll be dressed and back out the door with a subtle orgasmic glow about your cheeks.
  • Be safe, but leave no trace. Don’t forget the condom! Condoms are easy enough to stash in your pocket, so there’s no excuse. Just don’t forget to clean up after yourself. A pocket pack of tissues is cheap, innocuous, and one or two sheets is the perfect way to camouflage a discarded rubber.

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Enjoy the holidays, and may the odds be ever in your favor.

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