Beat off, Jack it, Jerk off, Wank, Fap, Toss…and many more words or phrases, all used as a euphemism for one act; Masturbation.
Something so common that it has hundreds of different synonyms worldwide. Most people masturbate, some more regularly than others. Given how common of an act it is, there’s plenty of tales; hilarious, dangerous and some just downright odd.
In dire anticipation of Masturbation Month, let's look at a couple of truly hilarious masturbation stories! Some display outright outrageous masturbation techniques.
Now I’m not going to pretend to speak for everyone here, but for me, when in a group of close friends, the conversation quickly comes back to sex and masturbation…I may be the instigator of most of these conversations. This does mean that I have plenty of funny stories to tell, some second hand (with consent from the subjects), others not even that, but all hilarious.
First experiences with a Fleshlight, for those unaware of how to correctly use one, can prove strange and difficult to get the hang of. For a friend of mine, his first (and only to date, despite encouragement to invest) experience with a Fleshlight involved a distinct lack of lubricant, none to be precise.
Obviously, this didn’t really work, realizing this, he decided to use some moisturizer, but as I’m sure many of you may know, moisturizer doesn’t work with a Fleshlight. Safe to say that his just left him frustrated, as well as in a bit of pain. Of course, went regaling a group of young men with this story, he was met with a chorus of laughter. The moral of this tale: make sure to use lube with your Fleshlight! (oil eats away at the SuperSkin material)
The next method is one used by a former housemate of mine, who goes by the name Billy Porcelain. This method not only gave us a laugh but also opened up questions about Pavlovian conditioning.
Billy would regularly masturbate post poo. Yes, you read that right, after having finished pooing and wiping, Billy would have a wank. Right onto the toilet tissue covering his excrement (I try not to judge.....). Admittedly, when explained, I could see how this was an efficient clean-up method. Nonetheless, we do still question if this has led him to be sexually aroused by the scent of fecal matter, but Billy says it doesn’t. You do you, Billy…you do you!
I’m sure that there’s plenty of stories about people masturbating in places they shouldn’t, for various reasons.
However, probably the most inappropriate of these that I have heard was in a lecture theatre, during a lecture. As anyone who’s been to University, or even just watched films vaguely set in one, lecture theatres can have a cinema like seating structure (terraced).
Sitting in the very back corner, a friend decided that he was inconspicuous enough to start masturbating, with the danger of getting caught making it even more exhilarating. Alas, he did cease and desist before reaching climax. I just want to know what the lecture was about to make him decide to masturbate. Needless to say, best not try this one, as it could have dire consequences on your future educational career if caught.
This one is one that you may have seen before, it went slightly viral a few years back. There’s a Japanese game show, where contestants are required to sing a song while being jacked off…or certainly, that’s what appears to be happening. If you’ve ever wanted to do this, might be worth popping over to Japan and letting everyone see your o-face.
One of my favorite masturbation stories. Again, from a university setting. Assignments can be arduous tasks, worthy of celebration when completed.
So, after finishing an assignment on the deadline day, a friend decided to celebrate with a wank.
Unfortunately for him, he took his time…too long. He ended up handing the assignment in ten minutes late, incurring the late penalty of a five percent deduction. Despite the deduction, apparently, the celebratory wank was still “Worth it!”.
Yet another tale involving a toilet. So, phone sex can be tricky, especially when it comes to cleaning up. So, this perpetrator decided to wear a condom, keep the cum contained. Somehow though, he ended up not climaxing in the condom, but instead urinating (think South Park).
What to do with a condom full of urine? Flush it down the toilet! Unfortunately, the drains became blocked, not because of the condom, but this did mean that the condom resurfaced for all to see. Safe to say, do no flush condoms, whatever the contents.
We’ve all seen American Pie (if you haven’t then go and watch it now, we’ll wait), and probably wondered how effective would it really be to fuck a pie? Well, for one of my friends, who may have been a little bit (EXTREMELY) high, he decided to try this using a melon. Heating it up a bit first, for that extra lifelike feeling, he proceeded to jerk it with the melon. However, being high, he got hungry afterward …so he cut around the part of the melon he had used and began eating the parts that he had not. Not even sure Stiffler would have done that.
Yet another case of masturbating whilst learning. While undergoing a private tutoring session, my (would have been 18/19 year old at the time) friend, decided that she was aroused to the point that she needed to masturbate. So, with her tutor opposite her, she began to masturbate under the table. While she is adamant that her tutor didn’t know, it’s likely he did, but just ignored it. Yet another dangerous one, that shouldn’t be replicated.
This is one that I think most people will be able to relate to. Whilst masturbating lying down, it’s extremely easy to overshoot. If you know, you know. If you don’t, then I’ll explain. The range of the cum-shot can vary from wank to wank, sometimes it can go extremely far (the record is apparent 5.71 meters), and other times it will barely go anywhere. Unfortunately for this friend, he managed to get just the wrong aim and distance…meaning that his ejaculate landed directly in his eye. He was in the process of buying safety goggles while telling me that story, I wonder what they were for.
This is the most inventive of all the stories. As teens, we all have desires that we don’t yet fully understand how to fulfill, so we experiment with different methods of satisfying our desires. One friend decided that his two mattresses (one atop the other) offered the perfect pressure for pleasuring oneself, much in the same way a Fleshlight would. Unfortunately for him, one time something went wrong…the mattresses had managed to grate off a layer of skin, leaving him with a rather sore patch for a few weeks. I didn’t ask how many mattresses he has now.
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