An Introduction to BDSM

Though BDSM has been around for ages, it’s only in the past couple of years since it’s popped up in the mainstream community. Until then, the BDSM community was known as an underground subculture; one that’s just losing its stigma. How did this happen? 

Well, actually, you can thank 50 Shades of Grey for bringing BDSM into the spotlight. Was the movie cheesy? Absolutely. But the one thing it did was start a conversation about sexual expression and kinky play, which is why you’re here. 

If you’re curious about dabbling into BDSM, you need to know the basics. BDSM is about sexual exploration, but it isn’t a free-for-all. 

Before holding a whip in your hand, going to play parties or tying your partner up to your bedpost, understanding the fundamentals will help you have a better first-time experience. 

In our guide, we’re going to tell you everything you need to know about the world of BDSM and get you ready for this new chapter of your sex life.

sex toys for men keon by kiiroo

What is BDSM?

It’s crucial we're on the same page when it comes to an understanding of what BDSM is. With BDSM, there’s no one answer because BDSM can be a couple of things. 

By definition, BDSM stands for bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M). When you hear people talking about BDSM, it’s not just about bondage discipline dominance; instead, it’s a mixture of different relationship dynamics. 

What do all these dynamics mean? That’s a good question. 

Key Terminology and Definitions.

BDSM—an umbrella term covering Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission and Sadism and Masochism. These pairs of concepts share an underlying psychology and can overlap in practice. However, if you like one, it does not mean you have to like or accept them all.

BDSM relationship table

 



Dominant and Submissive

D/s—Domination and submission, flip sides of the same fun coin. The term explains the two complementary aspects of this form of kink. Read on to hear more about the roles that create this dichotomy. 

Regardless of the BDSM relationship you’re in, there will always be a dominant and a submissive person. Specifically, dominance-submission relationships are based on power dynamics. Now, both partners can switch back and forth from a dom to a sub; however, a BDSM relationship must have both. 

The dominant is someone who dominates the submissive. Female dominants are called Dommes, while male dominants are called Doms. The submissive partner consensually gives control to their dominant after agreeing to a set of rules created by both parties. Both male and female submissives are called subs. 

Dom/Domme/Dominant - A person identifying as dominant. They can usually be seen as taking on the role of organizer, controller, protector, provider or a combination, within a D/s relationship.

This list is not exhaustive; being Dominant can be quite nuanced. Also, the extent to which a Dominant exerts their power can vary. Some relationships will feature this role within sexual interactions only. While for others it defines their entire lifestyle. Some roles that share aspects of or come under the label include: Rigger, Daddy/Mummy, Brat Tamer, Owner, Master/Mistress, Degrader and Sadist.

Sub - The Dominant’s equally valid counterpart. A submissive will give up their agency and defer to their Dominant. Again, the extent of this can vary. There are also variations in the way a sub will allow their Dom/Domme to control them. Some subcategories of sub include: Rope bunny, little, brat, slave, degrade and masochist.

Switch - There are many subcategories within the D/s lifestyle, more than we have space for here. However, we must mention the Switch. This is someone who can or does flick between the main D/s roles. A switch may do so with one partner (who is also switching) or may play different roles with different partners. Switching can also happen within one encounter or session.

Before we get into some of these dynamics further, let’s think about how D/s works from a psychological viewpoint. No doubt there are some people who may unknowingly have D/s aspects to their relationships. But, once awareness begins, the psychological aspect is unavoidable. 


Kiiroo bdsm guide tips dominant and submisive roles in SM

The Psychology of Power-play

The journey to understanding power in D/s probably starts with questions like: 

Why does this feel good?

What is it about them/their behavior that arouses me?

For subs, the answers may include:

‘…feeling safe, protected, secure, wanted and valued; being able to relax and let go of responsibility; having clear rules; being at their Dominant’s mercy.

Dominants may answer,

‘…feeling in control; making my sub feel safe, protected, secure, wanted, and valued; that they relax completely when with me, letting go of responsibilities; I make the rules, all the decisions; they are at my mercy.

For any variety of reasons, some people enjoy giving up control, while others prefer taking it. But, comparing these two lists, something should become apparent. There is more than just control happening here. When a D/s dynamic is in play, the Dominant is pretty much doing all this work FOR the submissive. 

WOAH! 

Yes of course, depending on your preferences, there may be other things that come in to play. Nevertheless, at its simplest the shift in responsibility (from submissive to Dominant) is your textbook D/s power dynamic.

Once these questions have been asked and answered we can delve deeper:

How does it feel when..?

Why does ___ feel better than ___?

Discovering the answers to these new questions, with a like-minded, ethical partner, will be a lot of fun. It will likely also bring us to the point of considering exploring those other roles. We’ll save those for future writings. One thing is certain though, wherever we find ourselves on our D/s journeys, the safety of all involved should be paramount.

Staying Safe

So, why the emphasis on safety? As Mr. Somewhere-between-black-and-white showed us, not every D/s relationship is a healthy one. There is definitely scope for the shift in power to be abused by the less ethical. 

When starting out in the ‘kink community’, there will be the usual forum admins and moderators, online. In addition, there are some people who, just out of kindness, take newbies under the wing offering them guidance, warnings and support. This is great because, sadly, there are also those who will seek out newbies for more nefarious reasons. 

Safety-wise, we generally find two kinds of Dominant. The ethical types, who understand the significance of their role as protector, along with the responsibility and trust involved. Then there are those who get off on controlling others, with little regard for their well-being. To put it more succinctly, the former care about their subs, the latter care more about themselves. 

If  someone takes advantage of a power dynamic, and causes another to feel fear, like they are in danger… that is just abuse. BDSM done properly, consensually, is not abusive.

Also practice aftercare with your BDSM partner after a session. 

Being aware of our own interests and limits means we are less susceptible to others imposing theirs on us. It opens avenues to the types of open, meaningful communication that, in turn, lead to trust and respect. Any healthy relationship is be based on these.

Bondage and Discipline

Bondage-discipline is the element of BDSM, which is when the submissive partner is either being trained or restrained by the dominant. Restraining the submissive is usually done with blindfolds, ropes, handcuffs, and bondage cages. 

Discipline is more focused on behavior modification. This means the submissive’s behavior is corrected; trained to suit the desires of the dominant. Punishment is a part of behavior modification and can include spanking, humiliation, etc. Bondage-discipline is more intense than dominance-submission and it isn’t for everyone.

Sadism and Masochism

This element of BDSM is a little trickier to define. Sadism and masochism is best described as the giving and receiving of pain. The sadist enjoys giving pain, while the masochist enjoys receiving pain.

The big difference between sadism and masochism and dominance and submission is that the latter is about control, whereas sadism and masochism is about pain. 

Though the element of submission and dominance is seen is sadism and masochism relationships, the infliction of controlled pain isn’t necessarily a part of dominant/submissive relationships. 

What part of BDSM fits you?

You know about the different relationships in BDSM, but that’s only the first step. Now, you need to figure out which element of BDSM suits you and your sex life. When it comes to choosing what role you’d like to take on, it takes time. 

Ideally, it’s best if you try both dominant and submissive roles out, feeling which one suits you best. 

When it comes to sex, the best way to find what you like is through experimentation. You may discover you enjoy being dominant, or even both. What’s important is that you find a role that speaks to you as that’s the role you’ll be exploring. 

If you’re a little nervous, which is entirely understandable, here are some of the benefits of BDSM.

Benefits of BDSM 

There are a lot of misconceptions about BDSM and the couples who follow this lifestyle. Some people assume that BDSM activities encourage promiscuous behavior and the deterioration of relationships in real life. 

But, in reality, it’s the opposite. This doesn’t mean having a vanilla sex life is harmful; everyone has their own preferences. It also doesn’t mean when you try BDSM it’s going to be your forte. 

However, it’s essential to be open-minded and know the benefits of sexual experimentation.  

Improves Mental Health

In 2013, the International Society for Sexual Medicine published a study on the Psychological Characteristics of BDSM Practitioners. In the study, they focused on measuring the well-being of individuals in the BDSM community by looking at key personality traits. 

They found that individuals in BDSM relationships were more well-adjusted, open-minded, and secure in their personal relationships than those not in BDSM. In other words, people following a BDSM lifestyle have improved mental health and positive relationships. 

Reduces Psychological Stress

Let’s face it; we’re all stressed. But, those who engage in BDSM activities have reduced levels of psychological stress. In a series of studies by Northern Illinois University, it found those in the BDSM community enter an altered state of consciousness. 

They found decreased cortisol levels, which aid in preventing immunity issues, insulin resistance, and high blood pressure. 

bdsm reduces stress kiiroo sex toys guide sm tips


Increases Connectedness and Intimacy

For most people, when it comes to BDSM, they assume this promotes cheating. But, BDSM activities encourage healthy and trusting relationships. Plus, a BDSM scene requires a high level of trust from both partners. 

If someone is going to bind you to your bedpost, you need to trust them. If not, the relationship isn’t going to work out, and your sex life won’t be pleasurable. 

Encourages Communication

We all need a helping hand when it comes to communicating with the people around us. But those who practice BDSM have higher levels of communication than those who do not practice it. 

This is because BDSM activities require you to communicate your sexual needs and desires with your partner. These aren’t easy conversations to have; however, those in the BDSM community learn to communicate their personal boundaries and limitations with their partner.

Decreases Anxiety

Anxiety is one of the most common mental health issues around the world, affecting everything from our jobs to sex life. Who would have thought BDSM could help reduce it? 

In 2014, a study presented at the Society for Personality and Social Psychology found that practicing S&M improves blood flow to the brain, giving the body a similar reaction to a “runner’s high.” The feeling of release caused by improved blood flow reduces anxiety. 

It’s good to know that besides sexual exploration, BDSM provides you with other health benefits as well. If you’re ready to give BDSM a try, then it’s about time you knew the steps to take. 

milking sex toy onyx plus held by woman kiiroo

8 Steps to Take as a BDSM Beginner

You know the benefits of BDSM, but how do you start? Before you are spanking your partner, there are a couple of things you need to do beforehand. These steps will help you create the best environment and will establish trust between you and your partner. 

1. Talk about it with your partner

You may want to try BDSM out, but have you talked about it with your partner? If you’re single, then your focus will be finding someone who wants to engage in BDSM with you. But if you’re already in a relationship, this isn’t something you can bring into the bedroom without their consent. 

It may not seem like an easy conversation to have with your partner, but it's the one you need to have. It’s a good idea to plan out what you’re going to say beforehand. Focus on expressing your sexual desires and see where they stand on trying out BDSM

Do you want to try a specific kinky sex act? Attend sex parties? Maybe they’re equally as curious, or maybe they’re not interested at all. Feel free to be open because this is a conversation you need to have. 

2. Honesty is a must

At times, it’s hard to express your feelings to your partner. But when it comes to BDSM, you need to express your emotions honestly. If not, your needs with not be met and you’ll do kinky sex activities that aren’t providing you with pleasure. 

BDSM isn’t meant to torture one another; it’s all focused on pleasure. Being honest with your partner will ensure both of you are getting the most out of the relationship. 

3. Discuss safe words

When it comes to BDSM, safewords are a must. If you meet people, whether they’re a dom or sub and they don’t feel they need a safe word - avoid them. This isn’t someone who knows or understands their own boundaries. 

You and your partner need to create a safe word that you both can use when a boundary is being crossed. 

For example, it’s a good idea to create safe words that are easy to remember for both of you. Red can mean “stop right now,” while yellow can mean “I like this, but be gentler.” Whoever your partner is you need a safe word. 

4. Start off small

You don’t need to have a bondage cage or ten different types of paddles at your disposal. You’re starting; you’re a beginner. 

Of course, there are many things you’d like to explore, and you’ll get a chance to do that. What’s important is to take things slow and move forward at a comfortable pace. So, start off small. 

start off with small sex toys when you are new to bdsm kiiroo sm guide

5. Focus on communication

When it comes to BDSM, it’s 40% physical and 60% communicative. BDSM relationships are founded on communication. 

Is there something you didn’t like? Is there something you’d like more of? Or an act you’re interested in exploring? 

Whatever question or suggestion you have on your mind, express it to your partner. This is how a BDSM relationship grows and flourishes - through communication. Before and after a session, sit down with your partner and casually chat about how you’re feeling and what you’re desiring. 

6. Don’t try new things once you’ve started a session

You may have thought of a great idea to incorporate into your session, but if you haven’t talked about it beforehand with your partner, then you can’t use/do it. This doesn’t mean your idea is completely off the table, but you cannot add anything new to a session once you’ve started. 

Though it’s tempting and your creative juices are flowing, you’ll have to save your ideas for the next session of kinky sex. Though you can always pull out of an agreement during a session, you can’t add things into a session that hasn't been agreed on. 

7. Always make time for aftercare

People tend to believe the most important thing about a BDSM relationship is the kinky sex and play. But, in reality, what people need to focus on is communication and aftercare. A BDSM scene can be very powerful and intense. Both your body and mind endure a range of chemical responses that can affect you. 

Whether you’re a dom or sub, you need to spend time after a session with your partner to go through the aftercare process. Whether it’s cuddling, caring for injuries, meditating, or talking with your partner, these are essential for a healthy BDSM relationship. 

8. Ask questions

The BDSM community is very connected and exists all over the world. You probably have a BDSM community in your city or town. Whether you join an online forum or meet people in real life who live the BDSM lifestyle, feel free to have them answer any questions or teach you specific acts. 

When trying something new, it’s always a good idea to meet people who are experienced in it. If you’re new, play parties can also be an excellent way to learn new acts and meet people in the community.

Who knew a BDSM scene would need so much preparation? But, by taking these steps, you’ll make sure each BDSM session is pleasurable and safe for both you and your partner. Now, if you’re wondering what activities you can do as a beginner, we have you covered. 

9 Things to Try If You’re New to BDSM

You know the steps you need to take before trying out BDSM, but do you know what to do? Don’t rely on 50 Shades of Grey to supply you with the activities you’re going to do because it’s not real life. So how do you start? Here are nine beginner BDSM activities you can do with your partner or at play parties.  

1. Spanking

Spanking is one of the most common fantasies, and if you’re a beginner, light spanking can be a lot of fun. It’s best to start by using your hands, and then as you gain experience, incorporate toys. When spanking, use the palm of your hand and hit directly onto the middle of the cheek.

2. Dirty Talk

But we’re talking about more than, “I love how you feel inside of me.” This form of dirty talk should have more aggression in it. Using words like “cock,” “fuck,” and “slut” are good starters. 

However, when it comes to name-calling, it needs to be agreed upon beforehand. Not everyone likes hearing themselves be called a “slut” or “whore.”

3. Hair Pulling

The best part about hair pulling is that you only need your hands. It’s one of the easiest activities you can incorporate into your session. Plus, it’s an excellent way to get into kinky play. Before hair pulling, make sure there are safe words established.

4. Light Bondage

You don’t need to use handcuffs or professional restraints. But, light bondage with a scarf is a great start. Scarves are naturally soft, so they don’t damage the skin. 

Make sure two fingers can fit between the skin and tie, you don’t want to cut off circulation. Light bondage can be incorporated in many scenes, whether it’s role play, discipline, kinky play, or using a sex toy. 

5. Biting

Biting is sensual and highly arousing. But it’s also a good introduction to kinky play. Of course, you shouldn’t bite your partner to the point where they're left with bite marks or are bleeding - they’re not a piece of steak. 

When biting, focus on their erogenous zones. If they’re blindfolded, this can be even more stimulating. Of course, talk about biting beforehand because not everyone likes it. 

6. Candle Wax

Whenever we think about candle wax, we assume it’s extremely painful, but looks can be deceiving. Instead, candle wax is an excellent introduction to controlled pain. Of course, do research beforehand on the types of candles you should use as some candles produce different amounts of heat than others. 

How to BDSM - Candle Wax



7. Role Play

You don’t need to put on a latex outfit on your first session. But, there are small role play acts you can incorporate to test the waters. Begging for sex or putting your partner in a submissive physical position are ways to try role-playing out. As you get more comfortable, you’ll be able to go deeper into kinky play. 

8. Sensation Play

Sensation play is fundamental for BDSM. Using a blindfold, you’ll be able to limit either you or your partner's sense of sight, heightening all other senses. While blindfolded, the other partner can use a feather or similar to tickle their partner. Blindfolding is a great beginner’s tool to ease into the dom/sub dynamics. 

9. Floggers

If you want to use a tool during your BDSM scene, floggers are a great start for beginners. Though floggers look intimidating, they don’t provide intense pain. Pair this with light bondage, and it can be highly pleasurable.

Now you know the moves, and for most of them, you don’t need any tools. But, if you’re interested in using more than just your hands, feel free to try out some of the equipment in this starter kit.

titan by kiiroo held in a woman's hand on bed


BDSM Starter Kit

To give BDSM a try, you don’t really need anything. Your hands are more than enough. That being said, maybe you want to try out a couple of different techniques. 

But, most of the BDSM equipment out there is for intermediate or advanced individuals. Using equipment when you’re not properly trained can cause injury to your partner, and you don’t want that. So, we’re going to show you eight essentials you can use in your starter kit. 

Satin Blindfold

Sensory deprivation can heighten your sexual experience and is basic for BDSM play. If you or your partner is blindfolded, your senses are enhanced, which makes everything feel more intense. 

A simple satin blindfold can work wonders. Or, look around your house for a sleep mask or tie. What’s important is that you and your partner are comfortable. 

Latex Outfit

You don’t always need to wear a BDSM-specific outfit, but if you want to amp up your kinky play, then a latex outfit will do the trick. It adds more fantasy to the scene and can really arouse your partner. When it comes to popular fetishes, latex is one of them.  

Gag Ball

If you want to remove your sub's ability to speak, then use a gag ball. A gag ball is stuffed in the mouth and comes in a variety of sizes. You can also use a scarf to tie around the head as well. But, if you or your partner have jaw or mouth issues, refrain from using one. 

How to BDSM Gag Ball

Rope

When it comes to bondage, the rope is one of your essential tools. You can head to any hardware store and find yourself soft rope. Avoid harsh textures as you don’t want it to cut your skin. Do some research on soft ropes that are body-safe. 

Dildos & Vibrators

Wand-style vibrators are a very popular sex toy in BDSM. They can be used during orgasm play and denial. Plus, they work for both vaginas and penises; so, this sex toy knocks two birds with one stone. 

You can also incorporate interactive sex toys into your BDSM activities. Control the vibration intensity or stroke speed and length of your partner with an app or your compatible device. 

Soft Handcuffs

If you have a pair of real cuffs, you’ll need to put some padding on them. Metal handcuffs are way too hard and will hurt your wrists. The best handcuffs to use are adjustable padded ones. The last thing you want is a trip to the hospital after using metal handcuffs.  

Padded Paddle

The beauty of paddles is that they offer a wide variety of sensations depending on the material of the paddle. But as a beginner, you want to start with a padded paddle. 

Soft paddles will let you and your partner ease into it, as they have a larger surface area than whips. A padded paddle will also give you time to get used to the feeling of it whether you’re the dom or sub. 

Flogger

There are a variety of floggers that all produce different sensations. But, the flogger you need is one that has a wrist loop, allowing better control. Plus, look for one with wide and soft falls as this will be gentle on the skin. If you get a flogger with thinner and stiffer falls, it’ll produce a stinging pain.

BDSM how to Flog Whip Flogger Flogging Molly Cat with the 9 tails


Though it may seem like you need to know
a lot, once you take these tips and apply them to your sex life, it’s not that complicated. The most important thing is you talk to your partner from the beginning till the end, be open-minded, and make sure to have safe words. For the rest of it, enjoy and have fun!

Five Ways to Use Erotic Hypnosis in Your BDSM Sessions

It seems like erotic hypnosis is the gift that won’t stop giving. If you’ve read my previous articles on this topic you know that erotic hypnosis can be an effective way to improve a couple’s sexual intimacy and can even be practiced effectively, even in a long-distance relationship.

But some of you may have also been intrigued by another aspect of erotic hypnosis: the immense popularity of erotic hypnosis in the BDSM community.  

Erotic Hypnosis and BDSM

That’s right, in their own wonderfully kinky corner of the internet Hypnodommes flourish, revered for the commanding nature of their voice. Don’t believe me? Just check FetLife where over 12,000 people are either ‘Into’ or ‘Curious About’ erotic hypnosis.

BDSM-driven erotic hypnosis even has its own book, published, by Alex Tsander who sees erotic hypnosis as an intriguing way to dive deeper into the world of hypnosis.

When asked why erotic hypnosis has such an appeal to the BDSM community in an article for Bizarre Tsander highlighted the similarities between hypnosis and the sensual release of the dom/sub dynamic. “It’s all tied up in issues of power and relinquishing control,” he stated. Hypnosis itself can also be a fetish, as Tsander notes that “I’ve met people who get a buzz from being hypnotized or the idea of it—usually vanilla individuals with a submissive side they haven’t come to terms with”.

In short erotic hypnosis can provide couples with a safe and wonderfully unique way of exploring their own proclivities towards dominance and submission.

What Does This Mean For Me?

Since I already introduced how to practice erotic hypnosis in my last article, I won’t touch upon it here. Instead, let’s look at five different ways that erotic hypnosis can be used in a BDSM session:

Invisible Restrictions

The link between literal links and the BDSM community is iconic. Chains, rope, silk scarfs, handcuffs, if there’s an item out there that can restrict a person then there’s a high chance that someone in the BDSM community has mastered its usage.

However, being tied up can be considered a bit too intimidating for some people (and in a long distance relationship it may be practically impossible). Safety always comes first and someone who is hypnotized should never be bound… at least not physically.

Using nothing but the voice a hypno-dominant may narrate binding their partner, making them feel as if they’re being tied up and guiding them into place with their voice.

Being descriptive is important here: the submissive should be able to imagine how the restraints feel against their skin; how tight they are and how they react to every little motion.

Much like your first pair of cuffs, this hypnosis should serve as a safe, introductory session of erotic hypnosis and its potential.

Enhanced Sensations

Another relatively safe suggestion (but with limitless potential) a hypno-dom may provide the suggestion that their submissive’s skin has suddenly become extremely sensitive, making every and any physical contact an intense experience.

This suggestion is best done in person, as it opens up fantastic opportunities for sensation play.

Once the suggestion has been put into place (and tested with a few well-placed caresses) the hypno-dom can use ice cubes, feather ticklers, pinwheels, etc. as they normally would, but now the submissive should find the experience much more concentrated.

If the focus of the session is more pain than pleasure, then a hypnotic suggestion and a good paddle should have even the most hardened of submissive whimpering with delight.

Complete Obedience

An oldie but a goodie. Having put their sub into a trance a hypo-dom may be free to make them do whatever they wish.

This could be something playful (like a hypnosis-induced erotic dance) or something more intimate (like a voyeuristic masturbation session).

The tone of voice is very important for this suggestion. The hypno-dom will need to be commanding enough to act as a dominant should but soothing enough to keep the trance state in place. It may take practice, but the experience is well worth it.

Roleplay Scenario

Whereas enhancing sensations is best done in person, engaging in a hypnotic roleplay session is a fantastic suggestion for those in a long distance relationship.

Agreeing upon the script in advance the Hypno-dom can use hypnosis rather than physical contact in order to run through a roleplay experience.

This can be supplemented by physical contact but the point of this hypnosis is deeper immersion in the experience itself. In the realm of the mind, both the hypno-dom and the sub can explore role-play scenarios in a way that may not be possible in real life. Which brings me on to my final suggestion…

Deepening Fetishes

Fetishes are wonderful quirks that (when practiced in a safe, sane, and consensual way) should be a celebrated part of our sexual lives. However, some fetishes are inherently limited when it comes to real life.

Transformation fetishists, adult babies, and human puppies, to name just a few, may find that, no matter what, they can’t quite get the optimal degree of immersion from props alone. This is where the power of the mind comes in.

Once brought to a trance-like state, a Hypno-dom may choose to help them sub explore their fetish in a deeper manner. This may include narrating a transformation, setting up a scenario where a human baby is safe and sound in their nursery, or dictating the mindset of a human puppy as they tackle with some playmates.

Needless to say, this is perhaps one of the most intimate uses of erotic hypnosis and should always be treated with sensitivity and respect.

The Takeaway

From the newest of curious kinksters to the most dedicated of practitioners, erotic hypnosis provides an endless amount of possibilities for playtime. So what are you waiting for!? It’s time to get creative with erotic hypnosis! Practice it with the same level of respect, communication, and safety as a usual BDSM session and you’ll soon see just how beneficial it can be.

The Importance of BDSM Aftercare

While movies like 50 Shades of Grey give some insight into the BDSM world, the one thing they seem to leave out is what happens after a BDSM session. Aftercare, whether it’s the first time in BDSM or your 1000th session, is a crucial yet, often overlooked step. 

In fact, most people have never even heard of sexual aftercare, but it plays an important role in future sexual experiences with your partner. So, after having bondage sex or pegging, make sure to include some aftercare.

What’s the point of BDSM aftercare?

When you have “normal” sex with another person, typically after, you cuddle. It’s those couple of minutes where you and your partner unwind and talk about the experience, essentially checking in with one another. This is essentially what BDSM aftercare is. 

Aftercare is used after a BDSM session, focusing on pampering and nurturing the people involved. While in mainstream media, BDSM hasn't been portrayed as an intimate activity; it is intimate. 

Both partners need a high level of trust and know how to communicate with each other for an intimate and shared sexual performance. During bondage sex, for example, the submissive is highly vulnerable and ultimately needs to let go and trust their dominant partner. What could be more intimate than that?

That said, a BDSM session can bring out various emotional and mental states in an individual. Not to mention, physically, it can also leave marks on the body. With partners experiencing intense emotions and a surge of endorphins, aftercare helps soothe the people involved and bring them back into reality, making them feel more safe and secure.

Who needs aftercare?

Everyone! Regardless of the activities performed, whether it's light BDSM, bondage sex, spanking, or pegging, everyone involved needs aftercare. Some sessions involve impact play, aggressive behaviors, or verbal degradation that may be seen as harmful or hurtful to the body and mind. This is why aftercare is essential, as it helps reassure and comfort the people involved.

Naturally,  we can assume that aftercare is usually directed on the Submissive, the person who's receiving the stimuli during a BDSM session. However, aftercare should be given to the Dominant as well.

It's often assumed that Doms, because they're not receiving stimuli, don't need aftercare. But Doms are people too, and through their role, they experience varying emotional states. Rule of thumb: whoever's involved in the BDSM session needs aftercare.

What are forms of aftercare?

It doesn't matter if it's your first time in BDSM or if you're a pegging pro; there's always room for growth and improvement with BDSM aftercare. It's important you speak with your BDSM partner and see what forms of aftercare they're comfortable receiving. However, you also need to know what forms of aftercare you want to receive as well. Below are some suggestions for BDSM aftercare.

Verbal praise: whether you have a session including verbal degradation or not, verbal praise can bring reassurance and comfort to yourself or your partner.

A soothing bath: turn on the warm water, add some bubbles and slide into the tub for a relaxing and calming bath. 

Bandaging physical souvenirs: for areas that have had impact, gently clean, and bandage those areas. For bruises, soothing lotions can help the area.

Watch a movie or tv show: put on a movie or tv show that makes you feel calm and safe. Whatever movie or show you prefer. 

A gentle massage: You can rub your partner’s body gently. It can be the feet, hands, or legs - they’re all ideal places for a soothing massage.

Reassurance: after impact play or aggressive behaviors, give reassurance to your partner to help them feel safe and secure. 

Cuddling: whether you’re a Sub or Dom, cuddle with your partner to calm them or you down. 

Some quiet time: cozy up on the couch with your favorite blanket, a warm drink, and some soothing music in the background.

A tasty snack or meal: food can always help calm and soothe us. Have some comfort food ready or your favorite snack available after the session.

Read a story: to help unwind, read a short story of your liking. 

A soft kiss: not a make-out session. It can be a soft kiss on the forehead or gentle kisses over the bruises and areas of impact that need special care.

If you’re interested in BDSM, aftercare is an essential part of the BDSM experience and must be included in every session. If not, you run the risk of possibly emotionally, physically, or mentally harming yourself or your partner. 

If your BDSM partner doesn’t want to participate in aftercare, see that as a serious red flag and consider looking for someone who considers your health as a priority in their BDSM session. BDSM aftercare is an essential step that can bring you and your partner closer together and improve future BDSM experiences.

WRITERS

PolyAna

Forty, and currently identifying as pansexual, sapiosexual, demisexual, a little kinky & polyamorous, Ana of PolyAna Says is just a happy hippy hedonist who enjoys celebrating the pleasures of life. Sex positivity and self-love are her JAM! By day Ana is also a freelancer and solo parent. Follow her on Instagram @anaeidherself

Natasha Ivanovic

Natasha Ivanovic is an intimacy, dating, and relationship writer best known for her writings on Kiiroo, LovePanky, Post Pravda, and more. She's the creator and author of her short stories on TheLonelySerb. She completed her first degree in Criminology and continued and finished her Masters in Investigative Psychology, but then decided to follow her true passion of writing.

Discover more of Natasha's Work

And

Emmeline Peaches

Website: emmelinepeachesreviews.com

ILLUSTRATED BY

Albertini Luna

Albertini is Bogota's finest illustrator. He is an extremely talented concept artist for comics, 3D art, and games.
His illustrations are featured in a multitude of rich media.

Discover more of Albertini's Work

Similar articles:

BDSM in a Long Distance Relationship
two people dressed up for bdsm in a long distance relationship

I Feel You: Adventure to an Intimate Discovery
woman revealing her under parts on video chat

Five Ways to Use Erotic Hypnosis in your BDSM Sessions
bdsm hypnosis kiiroo