Article originally published on 16th September 2016

Hot Places to Masturbate

Masturbation can become part of a tedious grind if you are not careful. We’d like to welcome you to our wonderful two-part list of places in the world to masturbate!  

We take you from the more classic places (like your bed) to some more unusual places (like a ski lift). If you ever thought masturbation was boring, then we might just change your mind. If you’re a masturbation location aficionado, you’re going to love some of our ideas.

Part 1 starts off more traditional and Part 2 is where your imagination is going to start running.We hope you enjoy our list and find at least one new place to try out!


PART 1

THE CLASSIC LOCATIONS FOR MASTURBATION:

  1. IN YOUR BED

Obviously, the most practical option is in the comfort of your own bed. Not only does it provide privacy, but you’re also within reach of all of your sex toys and lubricants. Sometimes things are classic for a reason.

  1. IN THE SHOWER

The shower is also a classic place to masturbate. You don’t need to rely on just the showerhead though – you can also bring in your favorite waterproof sex toys. This is also the perfect place to use one of those suction cup dildos. The shower is also a very good place to enjoy an experiment with that super messy Nuru gel you might have seen in Japanese Massage videos.

  1. HOTEL ROOM

Everything is better in a hotel room. The showers are better, the pillows are better and the orgasms are better. You can sprawl out on the King sized bed and do whatever your heart and hands desire. But clean up after yourself. Housekeeping hates to scrape ejaculate of the ceiling.

  1. BATHTUB

Set up a self-love night in the bathroom. Candles and wine might seem overdone in movies, but there is a reason that they are associated with relaxation. If you are heavily into using oils, please skip the candles.

Don’t forget to set up a sexy or soothing playlist.

  1. DORM ROOM

We’ve all heard stories of listening to roommates masturbate in college. Well, where else are they going to do it? Studying can be stressful so make sure you’re getting some fun time too!

  1. KITCHEN

Did you know that the kitchen is actually an incredibly popular place to masturbate? I’m not sure what gets people turned on about cooking, but make sure you keep it hygienic!

  1. ON YOUR COUCH

Similar to your bed, this is the next best place to have a very classic masturbation session. Even better if you still have some of your TV snacks next to you.

THE ELECTRONICS:

  1. WITH YOUR COMPUTER

Porn can play a huge role in masturbation. It isn’t necessary, but it can definitely add another dimension to your session. Find a site you like and start watching it in any of your favorite places. Remember to pay for your porn so that ethical content can keep being produced.

  1. ON SKYPE CHAT

Connecting with someone online can be made more interesting with the simple addition of masturbation over Skype or another similar application. You get to put on a show for someone who might be a few blocks away or even a few countries away. This is also a good way to end up on Xhamster or Pornhub, so make sure you trust your playmate. If you are looking for a secure video chat app, consider the Kiiroo Video Chat Suite. It connects through WEB-RTC and has the capacity to block screen capture software.

  1. ON LIVE CAM

Did you know that you could make money while masturbating? Well, thanks to the wonderful Internet and live camera shows, you absolutely can! You can always put on an exhibitionist show, but why not pay some bills with it too!

  1. WITH AN INTERACTIVE TOY 

Add an interactive toy to the mix and you can enjoy an even more intense session. You can connect it to an interactive POV video or interact with a long-distance lover or connect to the toys involved in an online live show. (Hint: Kiiroo devices can do all of the above).

THE VEHICLES:

  1. ON THE ROAD

If you’re on a long commute, there is one sure way to make it more interesting. We wouldn’t recommend trying it in bumper-to-bumper traffic as you might be seen or cause an accident, but trying it in a parking zone, national park, or at a gas station could be fun.

  1. IN A TRAIN

We don’t want you to get intimate with yourself while sitting with the other commuters, but there are private bathrooms on most long-distance trains. In fact, depending on what country you are in, there might be some over-night trains with your own private bed! And if the wagon is empty(ish) you could always put a coat or backpack over your lap as you diddle away. Keep an eye out for the conductor. Be prepared to get fined and kicked from the train though!

  1. ON AN AIRPLANE

Why not join the mile high club by yourself? Those bathrooms are only really big enough for one person, anyway. We’d recommend skipping the classic ‘under the blanket’ and just head to the back of the plane for privacy.  

  1. ON A BUS

If you have an empty row to yourself on an overnight bus, you can definitely take the opportunity to pleasure yourself (using a blanket, of course). If you’re next to someone… just don’t.

  1. BACKSEAT OF A CAR

You’d be surprised to know how many people masturbate in the backseat of cars while other people are driving. If you can pull this off, you can probably masturbate just about anywhere.

  1. IN A MOVING RV

RVs are already equipped with beds and bathrooms, so really there is no excuse for you not to try it. You get added points for masturbating while the RV is in motion on your way to the Grand Canyon.

THE WORKPLACE:

  1. AT WORK

Ever have one of those 15-minute breaks that just couldn’t happen any sooner? You’d be able to relieve the stress of working customer service by taking your break in the bathroom…the storage room.. or the roof!!

  1. IN YOUR OFFICE

Better yet, if you have your own office or cubicle that can guarantee a little bit of privacy.  Bonus points if you can do it on a conference call without anyone realizing it!

  1. IN A SUPPLY CLOSET

You can channel your inner Grey’s Anatomy with this location. Somehow characters on TV shows always manage to find the secluded closets. If you have one at work, then you know exactly what you’re going to try out next.

THE CREATIVE:

  1. WITH A MIRROR

With a mirror, you get to watch yourself! It’s the perfect mix of exhibitionism and narcissistic voyeurism all at once. You also get an up-close look at how your body works and the parts that enjoy being touched the most.

  1. OTHER PEOPLE’S HOMES

Okay, don’t randomly go into someone else’s home and start masturbating. That would be highly illegal. However, if you happen to be house sitting or pet sitting or watering their plants, it is a perfect opportunity to sneak in an orgasm in a new surrounding.

  1. UNDER A BLANKET

If you’re into sensory play, then you just might like your own DIY-sensory deprivation fort. If you pull the duvet completely over your head, then you block out all of the light and most of the surrounding sound. The built-up heat and shortage of fresh air can make it even more exciting.

  1. OVER THE KITCHEN SINK

Don’t just get it on in the kitchen – you can easily keep it mess-free by masturbating over the sink! Whichever juices may flow out of you, this trick will make it an easy cleanup and also give you some interesting angles to try out.

  1. IN EVERY CITY

Make it your bucket list to masturbate in every city you visit. If you really want to step up the challenge, then try masturbating in the bathroom of well-known museums in each city. That would be something to write about.

PART 2

THE NATURE:

  1. IN A TENT

How could we pass up the opportunity to recommend pitching a tent within a tent! Just be aware of shadow movements on the wall of your tent. The folks at the bonfire might be able to see what you’re up to.

  1. IN A FOREST

If you are on a camping trip, you can purposely get lost in the woods to have a little detour with yourself. Being surrounded by nature brings a whole different experience. Don’t forget the mosquito repellent though.

  1. ON THE BEACH

Sex on the beach is pretty cliché, but we bet you haven’t thought about masturbating on the beach! If you aren’t a fan of the sand, then slip into the ocean for some natural saltwater sensations.

  1. IN A FIELD

Have you ever come across a field with corn stalks or sunflowers that were taller than you? It’s like the perfect place for a private moment and you get to enjoy the full benefits of summer.

  1. IN A PARK

First, do not do this during the day. This list is not meant for you to get arrested. After midnight would be a pretty safe bet, but make sure you’re alone no matter what time of night. There’s something exciting about the risk of being caught, just make sure you’re not imposing yourself on anyone’s view.

  1. DESERTED HIGHWAY

If you’ve ever gone on a road trip, then you know that occasionally there are parts of the road that are just totally deserted. Get out at one of the intersections, stretch your legs and get your hands moving!

  1. IN A HAMMOCK

How have we never done this? A hammock is the ultimate place to relax. Feet up, swinging above the ground and watching the birds fly by. We think we just improved upon the hammock experience, just make sure you don’t fall out.

THE RISKY:

  1. IN THE LIBRARY

If you want to test out how quiet you can be, then the library might be the place for you. Just make sure you find yourself a nice private corner, hidden behind books so you don’t get kicked out for public indecency.

  1. CHANGING ROOMS

We wouldn’t recommend holding up the line of customers trying to try on clothes, but if you find yourself in a private cabin with no one banging on the door – this could be a fun place to try. You also get the bonus of watching yourself in the mirror. Don’t leave a mess on the floor!

  1. ON A BALCONY

If you’re a fan of nature, then you might want to seek out an apartment with a balcony or rooftop access.  We’d suggest you trying this at night so that the neighbors can’t get a peak of what you’re doing. Unless you are into that sort of thing!

  1. AT YOUR CRUSH’S HOUSE

We’ve all done this or at least been tempted to do this. You’re on a date, but you’re taking things slow or an annoying roommate inconveniences your plans, and you just need to rub one out. Make sure the door is locked.

  1. IN A POOL

Please don’t do this in a public pool while other people are swimming, but if you find yourself alone in a large pool or hot tub, then you can totally take advantage. Chlorine will kill anything anyway… right? (Please note that hot tubs and vaginas are not a good mix for masturbation, save your efforts for the changing stalls).

  1. LAUNDRY ROOM

You’ll have to let us know if the vibrations of a washing machine add to the sensation or not! If you’re feeling particularly risky, then you can perform the same acts in the public laundry room of your apartment complex.

  1. MOVIE THEATRE

Let’s face it, sometimes the movie theatre is pretty empty and your mind starts to wander. Again, don’t attempt this in a crowded area, but if you find yourself alone or with very few (emphasis on very few) people, then pick a dark back corner and keep your eyes on the giant screen.

  1. GYM SHOWER

Did you know that exercise is really great for your arousal? It helps send blood to all the right places, which means that every so often the gym shower seems pretty appealing.

  1. A WINDOW

This is best done in a hotel room, but feel free to try it at home too. Masturbating next to an open window can be a first step in pushing the boundaries of masturbation locations. You’ll get the breeze, as well as the view of passerby’s. We would suggest not being full-frontal naked in front of the window, but that is up to you.

  1. BATHROOM FLOOR

This one is risky for other reasons. Make sure your floor is clean before you attempt this or you might get grossed out. Once it is clean, you can then enjoy the freshness of cold tile along your back. If your apartment is warm, you can almost be certain that the bathroom tiles will be nice and chilly.

THE UNUSUAL:

  1. A LIGHTING BOOTH

Whether you’re working on a play or a concert or sports game, there is often some kind of secluded booth involved behind-the-scenes. Just make sure to turn off the microphone.

  1. HOSPITAL BED

Sometimes you break a leg or have stomach pains and end up in a hospital room. Sometimes you get left in a room to wait for the doctor for hours – like, actually hours. We know a great way to pass the time if you’re feeling well enough for it.

  1. IN A CANOE

Canoes are the perfect masturbation accessories. Picture this: you’re in the wild, in the middle of a lake and you have a boat that adequately covers your lower half.  Just try not to tip over.

  1. AT A SEX CLUB

Yup, that’s right! You can head to a sex club and masturbate in front of an audience. You’ll have the option of being more private about it too. Sex clubs are a super masturbation-friendly atmosphere.

  1. TOP OF A MOUNTAIN

You know what feels great after a really intense hike? Conquering the summit. This is definitely a unique way to celebrate your climb and get you ready for the descent.

  1. ON A SKI LIFT

Bet you never thought of that one! While it might typically be too cold to enjoy skin contact, you might luck out on a warmer day. It’s kind of the perfect spot if you think about it – isolated from everyone else. The people behind you can’t see what you’re doing and the people in front of you won’t turn around. Just make sure to warm up your hand first.

  1. ON A GOLF COURSE

You’ll never think the same way about the group in front of you holding up the tee time.  If you have a few spare minutes, you can easily occupy them. Or better yet, if your golf ball gets lost in the woods you can take an extra long time to go find it.

THE BONUS:

  1. WITH A PARTNER

Doesn’t matter where you choose to do this, but try mutually masturbating with a partner. You’ll get to show off what you like as well as observe what your partner enjoys. It will be hot to watch and informative for your next session together. Mutual Masturbation FTW!

WEIRD PLACES 

To some, this is peak autoeroticism, but that’s experienced on a personal level.

One might find it super normal to sexually express themselves in this fashion. But to others, this is the definition of batshit crazy.

What could be defined as weird?

Being a sex-positive person doesn’t mean that you refrain from passing judgment on the sexual behavior of others. It just means that when you are sure nothing illegal or unethical is happening, you can tolerate sexual “deviance”, in an other’s repertoire.

SOME UNCONVENTIONAL PLACES TO MASTURBATE

51, YOUR HOUSE ROOFTOP

If you love being exposed to the elements this is your shit right here.

All you need is a quiet corner behind a smokestack, airco unit or solar panel, so the people from the flat across the street can’t easily see your sun-deprived derriere when glancing of their balcony.

Feel the sun, wind, or rain on your skin and enjoy your “you time”

52. AT THE BOTTOM OF A DRAINED POOL

Feeling rather cheeky? Scout yourself a vacation home or abandoned villa and see if the pool is empty. Dive straight into the clutter at the bottom or put a tarp or some cardboard down first and commence to seduce yourself. A drained pool is a great street-level line of sight blocker. Though you might want to be mindful of any surroundings structures that allow for a vantage point into the pool.

53. IN THE BROOM CLOSET AT WORK

Exposing your colleagues to your sexual cravings can get your ass fired faster than pepper can trigger a sneeze. Are you willing to risk it all? Income, reputation and your livelihood are on the line when you choose to masturbate at work. If all this turns you on, and chopping wood or scratching that itch in the face of danger is your poison of choice, at least find somewhere secluded and practice a modicum of hygiene. Choose a utility room or broom closet rather than a toilet. No one wants to take a dump with your precum or your natural lubricating juices all over the toilet seat.

54. ON AN AIRPLANE

Possessors of a penis can sheath their Johnson in a condom after they slide on a vibrating cock ring and take their seat again. Those of you with a vagina can resort to insertables again, and have a discreet but pleasurable flight. Because we all know having a quick fap in the bathroom is far too easy to be exciting. We don’t need to tell you that just cranking one out in your seat, even under the cloak and dagger cover of a blanket or pillow is just not done.

55. DURING A JOB INTERVIEW

You will need an elaborate plan de campagne for this one. You will need a strategy that will allow for complete discretion in a surrounding you are most likely not familiar with. Will you be sat across a desk from your interviewer? Will you be sitting on a couch with this person? Are there fauteuils. What are your options for cover? Do you have an exit plan for when you’re caught?

We recommend you practice with jobs you don’t really care about before you start playing five-against-one in career-defining moments.

56. AT A FUNERAL

Retreat behind a tree or a headstone when no one is paying attention to you.

And celebrate life while you still can. 

57. IN A TREE

If you can’t climb if your life depended on it, don’t start with treetop fapping now.

Because going up might prove easy, but coming down is 50 times as fast. And not in a good way. Climb some amateur level trees first to get a feel for balance and to build up your skill.

On your very first Tree Fap, you don’t want the fire department to hoist you down pantless when you lose the balls to climb down again. But once you have leveled up, conceal yourself behind branches and leaves, and reach an all-new high.

58. WHILE SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN

Fapping and fingering in the ocean can be super exciting. Will sharks eat you? Will a dolphin have its way with you? Will a seal steal your shorts or bikini bottom? Whatever it is about the ocean, it sure is scary as f00k. But the best thing is, you don’t need to clean up after yourself. After all, Blue Whales ejaculate up to 400 gallons (1500 liters) of sperm every time they orgasm. You are already floating in a giant pool of cum as it is.

59. RIDING A BIKE

Lean forward and grind your clit and labia against the saddle, through your pants/panties and choose a bumpy but safe route. Wiggle around to adjust yourself from time to time and you will do a stellar job at spoiling yourself.

But with a penis it’s a different story, riding around with your dick in your hand will get you arrested faster than mistaking salt for sugar, can ruin coffee.

Get creative, wear wide clothes, cut secret holes in pockets, cram your willy between your belt and your beer gutt, I don’t know. Get creative and be discreet!

60. IN THE TRUNK OF A MOVING VEHICLE 

Sneak into the trunk of a car, chauffeured by a driver that looks like they wouldn’t cut you up and feed you to their pet piranhas. Bring a blanket to wrap yourself in. And enjoy the peak of autoeroticism. Try to sneak out of the car when possible. Also bring snacks, drinks, an oxygen tank, some diapers and a blow torch. You might get locked in there.

Can you do one better and think of even weirder places to masturbate?

Follow us on Twitter and let us know. We just might write a follow-up!

Illustration by:

Floris Pieterse
Follow him on Instagram @florispieterse

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