Funniest Masturbation Jokes That You should know about

Who doesn’t love a good masturbation joke? I mean, there’s those masturbation jokes, you know, the ones where you hear crickets in the background.

But I’m not talking about those jokes. Come on, we need to level things up a bit. You want a masturbation joke that doesn’t end with “my right hand”.

I mean, humans have been masturbating since the dawn of time, so it only makes sense that we’ve perfected the jokes that go along with it. I wonder what cavemen were saying? Okay, okay, let’s leave that for another day.

You’re here because you want to sharpen your collection of masturbation jokes and have your friends clutching their stomachs from laughing too hard. Not a bad goal - I’m here for it.

So, here’s a compilation of some of the best masturbation jokes to have up your sleeve (or in your hand?). Whomp whomp. I know - that was a bad one. Anyways, let’s go!

30 Masturbation Jokes You Need to Know About

1. What’s the difference between pink and purple?
   - Your grip.
   
   
2. I went to the doctor's the other day and he said I have to stop masturbating. "Why?", I demanded. "You're upsetting everyone in the waiting room!"
   
   
3. They say you should never do anything you're good at for free. That's why I only jack it when I'm on the clock at work.
   
   
4. There are 2 types of people in the world, those who admit to masturbating, and liars.
   
   
5. Masturbation Jokes are not funny. Cum on guys.
   
   
   
6. This year the pollen count is expected to be very high. Explains why my son is getting through so many tissues, the poor kid.
   
   
7. A vampire masturbates in front of a mirror.
   - Bet you didn’t see that coming.
   
   
8. What do you call a masturbating vegan?
   - A weed whacker.
   
   
9. Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture. At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
   
   
10. [watching my life flash before my eyes] Ok wow, that's a lot of masturbation. Is there any way to fast forward this?
    
    
11. What do you call it when you successfully masturbate in the shower with no one noticing? You got off clean.
    
    
12. My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
    
    
13. You know you're old when you buy tissues just for your nose.
    
    
14. Millennial: Ugh everything sucks. FML.
    - Me: I used to have to jerk off to catalogues.
    
    
15. If there's a sock on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with the other one.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
16. The worst part of jerking off is closing the other six tabs of porn I didn't even get to and realizing this is as ambitious as I get.
    
    
17. Of course I use tissues when I masturbate, how else would you deal with all the crying?
    
    
18. A doctor once asked me "How often do you milk yourself" referring to masturbation and I don't think I've ever recovered.
    
    
19. What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?
    - Beat it. We’re closed.
    
    
20. What do you call a guy with a blue penis?
    - A tight-fisted wanker.
    
    
21. What's the ultimate rejection?
    - When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
    
    
22. What do a Rubix cube and a cock have in common?
    - The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
    
    
23. What do rich people drink when they are jerking off?
    - A Fapacchino.
    
    
24. They say that laptops can cause damage to your sperm. Although not as much damage as sperm can cause your laptop.
    
    
25. Welcome to Masturbation Anonymous. I see everybody came today. That's disappointing.
    
    
26. What’s the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg but you can’t beat…
    
    
27. In a sperm clinic today, the receptionist asked if I wanted to masturbate in the cup...I said, "I'm good, but I don’t think I'm ready for competition."
    
    
28. I heard that men can get paid $60 every time they donate their sperm. I was angry, thinking of all that money I have let slip through my fingers.
    
    
29. I caught a man masturbating by the riverside. I’ve always been bad at fishing.
    
    
30. Why is it called masturbation and not beating around your bush?

And there you have it. Which ones will you be using? Share with us any jokes of your own on X (formerly Twitter) @kiiroo.

WRITTEN BY

Natasha Ivanovic

Natasha Ivanovic is an intimacy, dating, and relationship writer best known for her writings on Kiiroo, LovePanky, Post Pravda, and more. She's the creator and author of her short stories on TheLonelySerb. She completed her first degree in Criminology and continued and finished her Masters in Investigative Psychology, but then decided to follow her true passion of writing.

Discover more of Natasha's Work

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