Anal Play, Butt Play...It's Ok
You have a butt. Your partner has a butt. But the odds are you’re ignoring your butt in the bedroom. Sure, maybe there’s some light spanking, but I’m not talking about that.
Your butt has the opportunity to provide you with endless pleasure, yet you may be a little nervous about exploring that road. Maybe you have an interest in anal, but you’re worried about the pain, if there’s going to be a mess, or struggle overcoming anal sex taboos.
But I’m here to convince you to give anal play a chance to enhance your sex life. At least by trying it out, you can decide if butt stuff is right for you. So, let’s dive into the ultimate guide to butt play.
I’m going to keep the definitions short, sweet, and to the point.
Anal sex is sexual activity involving anal penetration via the penis or a sex toy.
Anal play, on the other hand, is stimulation of the anus and rectum. Anal play can include external anal stimulation of the anus with either fingers, mouth, or an anal sex toy like vibrating butt plug or anal beads.
If you’re going to try out anal play, you need to know some basic anatomy. With anal play, the main areas you want to know are the anus, the anal canal, the anal sphincter muscle, the prostate gland, and the rectum.
- Anus: the opening (the butthole).
- Anal Canal: This is where the sex toy or penis is inserted. It’s sensitive to touch, temperature and pressure.
- Anal Sphincter: You have two anal sphincters: one near the opening and one further up your cavity that helps to push the fecal matter out.
- Prostate Gland: It produces fluids that are added to male ejaculation. It’s inside the body, located below the bladder and in front of the rectum. It can be stimulated through the rectum.
- Rectum: Is the lower part of the large intestine—an important part to clean before having anal sex.
How to Talk About Butt Play with Your Partner
So if you have an interest in anal sex or anal play, you’re halfway there. Now, you just need to either find a partner who likes anal play or talk to your partner about trying it out.
When it comes to butt stuff, it can be an uncomfortable and awkward conversation, but if you want to try it out, you need to talk about it. In other words, you cannot surprise your partner with anal play.
As much as you’re on board, they need to be on board as well. So, how do you bring up anal play with your partner? Here’s what you should do:
1. Give them time to think about anal stimulation
Your sex life isn’t just about you; it’s also about your partner. When you’re not having sex, sit down and bring up the idea of trying out anal play.
You can say something like,
“I’ve been curious about trying anal play. I’m wondering if it’s something you’d be interested in trying?”
You want to ask them without applying any pressure. The best anal play is when the receivers feel comfortable and relaxed. Once you bring it up, give them time to think about it—don’t rush them.
2. Give them information on anal play
The biggest reason why anal play can feel uncomfortable or painful is that there’s a lack of knowledge on how to do it properly. Do some research beforehand and reassure your partner that you’ve been learning about anal play or anal sex. It’ll make them feel more relaxed and open to giving it a try.
3. What’s their answer?
If your partner says no, you need to respect their wishes and don’t try to pressure or change their mind. You can ask them why they don’t want to try it and see if you can solve the problem. But keep in mind, your partner has their boundaries.
If they say yes, find out if they’ve done it before and what they would like to try. Do they want to use an anal sex toy? Then, you can go from there.
How to have Anal Play for the First Time
If you’re interested in engaging in anal sex or anal play, welcome to the club! But before you jump into anal sex, start with anal play. Think of it like seeing the trailer of a movie. It’ll give you and your partner a taste of what the feature film looks like (if you catch my drift).
1. Try it out when you’re both aroused
The best sex is when you’re both into it, right? That’s the same with anal play. If only one person’s in the mood, leave it for another time. When you’re both aroused, your inhibitions are lowered, and you’ll both feel comfortable in trying it out.
2. Incorporate it into your sex life
While doing your usual sexual activities, try to incorporate anal play into it. Anal play doesn’t need to be made into a “thing.” This only adds more pressure, and you don’t need that. Try grabbing your partner’s butt cheeks while giving oral and massage the area or apply pressure with your finger.
3. Use your senses
You have a mouth, tongue, and fingers—this allows you to do a lot of different things to your partner’s anus. You can lube up your finger with water based lube and gently insert it into the anus.
Trace your partner’s anus with your tongue, breathe on it, kiss it, or lick it. You have endless options—you just have to figure out what feels good for your partner.
How to Use Anal Sex Toys
Maybe you’ve done some butt play with your fingers or tongue, but you’ve never used an anal sex toy. Well, it’s time to go to the next level. When it comes to anal sex toys, there’s a whole world out there. But most of them are in these three categories:
Before using a sex toy, explore your anus and get to know that area a bit more. With your sex toy, clean it thoroughly before (and after) penetration. Then, find the right position (solo or with a partner).
Now, this is important. Before using the sex toy, you need to stimulate yourself to relax the anal muscles. So, you can massage the anus, masturbate—get turned on.
Then, use lots of lube on your sex toy for easy entry. Make sure it’s a water-based lube if you’re using a silicone toy. If you’re using a stainless steel toy, either a silicone-based lube or water-based lube works.
As the receiver, with your lubed-up sex toy in one hand (pick a hand and stick with it), masturbate with the other. Slowly press the tip of the sex toy against your anus, holding it there while your body adjusts itself.
Then, while you’re ready, gently insert the toy an inch into you. Hold it there. If there’s pain, slowly pull out the toy and start again. If it feels good, you can insert the toy further in.
If everything is good, once the toy is fully inserted, you can let go. You can also move it in and out—it depends on what feels good for you. Just make sure your anal sex toy has a flared base so you can remove it easily.
Tips for Women
Whether you’re the giver or receiver, here are some must-know tips.
Yes, over-prepare. Before anal play, practice it (with your fingers or a butt plug) on your own to learn about your body. Once you feel comfortable, it’s easier to engage in anal play or anal sex with your partner.
If you’re scared about pooping or the smell, give yourself a warm water enema a couple of hours before anal play or anal sex.
Use lots of lube
Come prepared with lube because you’re going to be using lots of lube. The anus doesn’t self-lubricate like the vagina. So whether your partner is using their finger, a sex toy, or penis, use lots of lube for a smooth ride.
Check in with yourself
Sometimes, when our partners are in the moment, they forget to check in with you. Ask yourself these questions: Am I enjoying this? Do I feel comfortable? How am I feeling? If you’re feeling pain, that’s not a good sign, so stop.
Drop any judgment you have
There’s always a stigma around people who enjoy anal play and anal sex, but it’s pointless. Everyone has their own sexual preferences, and neither anal play nor anal sex is something to feel shameful about. Do what feels good for you.
Tips for Men
Make your anal play experience a memorable one by following these helpful tips.
Start with your fingers
If you’re the giving partner, you’ll need to warm up the area. Don’t jump into anal play or anal sex right away—it will be a disaster and very painful for your partner.
Instead, start with rimming or massaging the anus. This will help the anus relax. Then, insert a finger or two, followed by the penis or an anal sex toy.
Spit isn’t lube
Don’t think I don’t know this trick—it’s not going to work for anal play or anal sex. The anus doesn’t lubricate itself, unlike the vagina, so you’re going to need to use lots of lube. Don’t be shy. A good water-based lube or silicone-based lube will allow for smooth entry.
Stick with beginner positions
If you’re not overly experienced with anal play, don’t try to impress your partner. Stick to simple positions that do the job. Receiving partners find positions where they’re on their back, on all fours, or their stomach, the easiest.
Tips for Couples
Here are some tips for you if you’re trying out anal play or anal sex with your partner.
Talk about it first
You two need to be on the same page. Sit down together and talk about what you want to try, what concerns you, and solve any problems and questions you have together. That way, you both go into the experience with some knowledge and trust in one another.
It’s your job to check in with yourself and see how you’re feeling. Before engaging in anal sex or play, choose a safe word. This safe word will let your partner know that you don’t feel comfortable and either need to stop or slow down.
Your first (or even second) anal play experience isn’t going to be perfect. But to iron out the kinks, you need to communicate with each other. If you don’t like a position or there’s pain, openly say it. That way, you can make those adjustments and figure out what works and what doesn’t.
How to Clean up After Anal Play
The skin inside the anus is extremely delicate and thin. During anal play or anal sex, small skin tears can occur. It’s nothing to worry about, but it can increase the risk of infection. This is why it’s important to practice proper hygiene after anal play/sex.
Have a shower, with or without your partner (it can be a sexy shower), making sure to rinse the area with soap and warm water. And that’s it. As long as you clean the area after, there shouldn’t be any problems.
Anal play and anal sex are extremely pleasurable when done right. If not, they can become a person’s biggest nightmare. If you’re going to be engaging in anal sex, use this guide to help do it right. Follow our tips, and your sex life will be mind-blowing.
Natasha Ivanovic is an intimacy, dating, and relationship writer best known for her writings on Kiiroo, LovePanky, Post Pravda, and more. She's the creator and author of her short stories on TheLonelySerb. She completed her first degree in Criminology and continued and finished her Masters in Investigative Psychology, but then decided to follow her true passion of writing.