When we’re young we would see commercials for the latest and greatest toy that seemingly takes its user to new heights of excitement. We get a little older and we see listeners blown away by sound systems and beer drinkers relaxed as they sip away on warm distant sands.
When that toy turns out to be a dud, the speakers a tinny mess or the beer a skunky never-buy-again, we learn from that disappointment, we recover and we move on.
Unfortunately, we’re all going to experience disappointment in our sex lives. Sometimes it’s a slinky piece of lingerie that doesn’t flatter. It could be a vibrator that leaves you questioning whether your body can experience pleasure at all. There are also positions and places we build up in our minds and place on our sexual bucket lists that often lead to disappointment, embarrassment or worse... injury.
We often see steamy scenes of passion on the silver screen, as lovers thrash away in the pool. The classic couple rolling in the sand as waves crash on their bodies. Sometimes we’ve been away so long from our lover that we think sneaking away for a quickie while family or friends are near is a hot plan.
Maybe it’s a long ride on the elevator that has you thinking about getting it on. Many of us have thought about joining the Mile High Club. We’re going to walk through a few of these positions and situations that are often part of our fantasies but very frequently leave us disappointed. We will also try to offer up some alternatives to avoid sexual disappointment.
You’ve got an entire pool all to yourself and you’re both feeling the situation. Some heavy kissing leads to some touching which leads to one of you reaching down the other’s bathing suit.
Maybe it’s a housesitting situation where you and your partner find yourselves in a situation you may never have the opportunity to see again. Or maybe it sprouts from an adventurous night of skinny dipping that leads to the underwater deed.
No matter what the set of circumstances, pool sex will become bad sex. First, let’s get the big nasty out of the way. Pools are incredibly disgusting places. Yes, they can be refreshing but they are also where people’s bodies go to soak.
Throw in some of nature’s nasties and you’re up for the possibility of infection. We won’t even talk about the chance that somebody may have literally dropped something off in the pool.
Second, the in and out of sex leads to water being thrust into your vagina. The water essentially is washing away your natural lubrication. This can potentially lead to an uncomfortable situation that will end poorly for all parties involved.
An alternative to sex in the pool would be sex near the pool. Many people that want to have pool sex are excited by the thought of having sex outdoors. You could find a lounger or comfortable spot and have at it!
If it’s the wetness that excites you, take your partner to the shower. Oral sex and mutual masturbation are incredibly sexy activities to share with your partner.
You’ve been away from each other and you just can’t take it any longer. Maybe you celebrated a little too much and your judgment isn’t as strong after a few drinks. You’ve got a long ride up to your floor so you start grinding which leads to someone reaching in and then pulling something out and now you’re full out having sex! This could go horribly wrong in a number of ways.
First, imagine getting it on and the doors open to reveal your neighbors' shocked faces. If you just signed a lease or you happen to own a place, get ready for some very awkward silences.
Second, many elevators these days have security cameras that can and will see every little thing. If you thought you knew your doorman before, just wait until after he’s seen you and your partner getting it on.
Our suggestion to love in an elevator? Use that time to tease each other. Back into your lover, reach into their pants and let them know you’re excited. Let them explore without putting on too much of a show. By the time you reach your floor, you’ll be speedwalking to your door.
Sex on the Beach
We’re talking about the act of sex on the beach, not the alcoholic beverage. We’ve all seen it on the silver screen. Whether it was Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr rolling in the waves in From Here to Eternity or Vince Vaughn and Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers, sex on the beach has become immortalized and romanticized by films.
What is always left out is that sex on the beach involves an incredible amount of sand in places you do not want it to be! Your hair, your teeth, your butt and yes ladies, your vagina will all become part of the beach.
If making love while the ocean crashes on the beach is what you are looking for, we highly recommend finding a resort on or near a large body of water. From your hotel room, you can still get the sultry sound of the water while saving your nether regions from feeling like a sandbox.
Office romances can be so much fun, and we recommend them highly. Office sex, on the other hand, can lead to all kinds of bad! This is yet again one of those situations made famous on television and the silver screen.
An arm sliding papers off the desktop so that he can lift her up and set her down on the desk to start ravaging her body. Maybe it’s an office door being closed and blinds suspiciously being shuttered. A few things instantly come to mind as to why this spells doom for both you and your partner.
First, most workplaces are filthy messes. Desktops are eaten on, sneezed upon, and rarely cleaned properly. If you are planning to have sex on your desk be aware that a rogue staple may find its way to a very unfortunate place!
Second, even if you have a private office those walls are not meant to keep much private. Even with the blinds shut and the door closed, the sounds of lovemaking are going to be heard by everyone!
To avoid an unfortunate conversation with Karen in HR, try keeping your desires at bay until you are truly alone. Take a quick moment to type up a sexy message or run to the bathroom to send your lover a picture for their eyes only. If you truly cannot keep your hands off of each other, clear your schedules for the afternoon and take your passions to someplace private.
Admittedly we’ve found ourselves on the wrong end of a few of these scenarios. Our passions got the best of us and we ended up in situations that were either embarrassing or painful.
Are we heroes for surviving these sexual no-no’s and forging ahead? Absolutely not. Do we feel good about bringing some common sense to the sexual bucket list of so many of you? Not at all.
We hope that by reading this you will come to understand that there are going to be sexual experiences that have been grossly overblown in popular culture. There are also going to be experiences you should avoid at all costs.
Ultimately though, you’re going to follow your desires and passions. Just remember to be Bono’s hero. Survive doing it wrong, learn from your mistakes and know that you’ll recover in time to have incredible sex!
MarriedToys are a husband and wife team taking a different approach to reviewing sex toys. Read their reviews, sexual experiences and short erotica at weconnect.home.blog. Follow them on Twitter @married_toys and also on Instagram @married_toys.